Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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