He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
