My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
