That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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