Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
