Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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