These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
