having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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