John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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