i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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