just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
