Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
