I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
