the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
