Someone shit on the floor
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
