I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My balls are so social today.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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