Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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