That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
