Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
