My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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