Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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