When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
