Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
