please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
