no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
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Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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