Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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