Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
