I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
