SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
