Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
