I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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