I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
a search helicopter?!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
