I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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