I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
