All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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