He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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