It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
