This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
