You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
