she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
