I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
