I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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