I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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