the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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