if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
