if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
