i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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