Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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