never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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