it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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