Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
