you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
